Sunday, 23 September 2007

Ramblings...

It's one of those days when I don't really have a specific topic to post about, but feel like posting anyway - so I'll apologise in advance. Sorry.

I may not be the only one with nothing of great note to blog about - the blogosphere seems generally quiet at the moment. Many of my favourite bloggers haven't posted for a while, and I do hope they find inspiration again soon.

Tilly is continuing to do really well. Her recall is improving every day, and we haven't had any serious issues since this post. She's really enjoying catching up with her 'pals' every morning. This morning there was a new member of the pack - a tiny twelve week old puppy. He was a Pomeranian crossed with a poodle, and outrageously cute. Tilly dutifully clambered all over him, batted him around and ensured his socialisation got off to a good start!

Prince continues to be with us in spirit, and I'm sure he really helps Tilly. It makes me laugh sometimes - I can almost see him scuttling alongside her on our old familiar walks. Tilly always seems to know the route to take, even if she hasn't been somewhere before - and it's almost invariably the route I used to take with Prince. It's so hard retracing our steps sometimes, but after a few initial tears I usually remind myself that it would be highly inappropriate to be miserable on a walk that he used to enjoy so much.

I'm going back to work at the end of next week, and utterly dreading it. There are a number of reasons why I feel sick at the very thought of it.

Firstly, I'm worried how I'll cope with work and making sure that Tilly is adequately exercised and stimulated. Even though I work from home most of the time, it's inevitable that she won't get quite the same amount of attention that she's been used to.

There's also the fact that I despise the job I'm going back to. My employers have been very understanding in letting me return after having taken so much time off to look after Prince, and the people I work with are a generally decent bunch, but it doesn't change the fact that I hate the job I do with a passion. It's a high level sales role, and as such comes with enormous pressure. The sort of pressure that leaves you spending the last week of every month thinking that you're going to be sacked. The pressure is only likely to be greater when I go back, as I now 'owe them' even more, due to the time I've taken off. The only reason I'm going back is because it pays very well, and I need a hefty salary to cover the enormous debts I've built up over the years. Cause and effect eh!

Probably my biggest worry is the least tangible, and will probably sound the most odd. I really don't know how I'll cope with the pressure and problems of day to day life without Prince being physically with me. When he was, I always felt invincible. Anything was possible, as long as 'us boys' were together. We had plenty of rough times over the years, and I always used to say to him, "we'll manage - we always do" - and invariably we did. I don't quite know how I'll cope now. I suppose I'll have to cope for Tillys sake, but I've never felt less invincible than I do nowadays.....

8 comments:

Flowerpot said...

A difficult one, g, but I would suggest adopting the Nothing is Forever tactic. I appreciate you have debts to pay, but start looking for something else. Could you transfer within the company? YOu aren't stuck. And I know tilly isn't prince but she is herself, and you two can build a good relationship as you are. Thinking (and dreading) things is always the worst bit. Best of luck anyway, be thinking of you.

Aoj & The Lurchers said...

It's always difficult going back to work when you've been off for some time but Fowerpot is right Graham, there are other jobs out there and you need to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and find the motivation to find a less stressful job for yourself.

I'm going to be very honest with you here Graham. Flowerpot has, I think, said what I want to say, but she has put it very tactfully. I have absolutely no doubt that you care for Tilly and that her every need is met - the fact that you are concerned about how she will react when you go back to work shows that - but you do need to move on. I know you went through an awful lot with Prince and what you did for him has touched the hearts of many people around the internet. But he is no longer with you and Tilly is and she needs you to see her for herself and not as a Prince replacement. Your special memories of Prince will always be with you, as they should be, but you need to put them behind you now and focus on how you and Tilly will move forward into the future together. Let her into your heart Graham.

{{hugs}}

Linda Seid Frembes said...

I feel your pain, Graham.... Watson was a constant source of comfort for me, whereas Waldo is nothing but aggravating sometimes. But it does take time to build a relationship and make that bond. I need to remind myself of that all the time.

As for the work issue, I, too, work from home and took a month off to help Watson. We don't have debts since we paid from savings, but my momentum of accepting projects was thrown off. It took a while for my head to get back into the work zone and for me to be busy everyday.

Perhaps the overthinking and the dread have gotten to you. Take it as it comes. Tilly doesn't need to have the run of the house when you are home. Waldo spends time in his pen when I have serous writing to accomplish. He and I are both fine with that arrangement and I make up for the pen time with a longer walk in the evening.

Working just for the money isn't fun for anyone... but if that is your goal, then embrace it with gusto! Make as much as you can and then look for something else. Dreading the process will only make it worse.

Hang in there!!
Linda, Angel Watson and Waldo

Graham, Prince & Tilly said...

Thanks for your kind wishes Flowerpot. I agree with you in that if you don't like something, you should change it. Unfortunately, if I did get a new job it would have to be in such a similar role to achieve the salary I need, that I don't think it would help. Better the devil you know sometimes!

AOJ - don't worry, Tilly's wormed her way into my heart very effectively! I don't think I do view her as a Prince replacement, and I do appreciate her individual qualities, but I think it's a little unrealistic to expect the same depth of understanding after six weeks that I had with Prince after eight years.

Hi Linda, Tilly isn't aggravating thankfully - I don't know what I'd do without her. To be fair to her, I don't think she'll cause me any problems when I'm working from home - any problems will be caused by my worrying! As far as the job goes, I'll just have to get on with it and try not to worry. Thanks for your kind words.

Beverley Cuddy said...

If you really don't like the job then try to find something else, even if if it pays less. If you're good at selling - try to sell something you believe in. I expect I'm very lucky to work at something I love, but we spend so much of our lives at work we should strive to do something that makes us happy. You're young, you have few ties - time to find a vocation that means the working hours pass quickly. The last 17 years have flown by for me! Where are you based - is there anything doggie close by for example? Marketing for a charity, PR for a new doggie product... just a thought! Perhaps doggie jobs aren't everyone's number one choice - but I've been bored stiff in 'proper' jobs that pay well but are no fun!

Graham, Prince & Tilly said...

My background is in PR & marketing - horse & dog food to be precise! It may well be that I drift back in that direction in the longer term, and b*gger the financial consequences!

Aoj & The Lurchers said...

Its hard sometimes when your used to earning good money, but from my own experience, I was so much happier when I packed in the high-powered, stressful job and down-graded. Yes, it meant no more luxuries and the money barely covered the necessities but I was happy! A bit cliche perhaps but true nonetheless!

Oscar's mummy and daddy said...

Hi Graham,

It's good that you are managing to walk with Tilly places you went with Prince. I know I am going to be facing this soo with my new puppy, and I too have been dreading it. I haven't been near "Oscar's fields" and our other neighbourhood walks since he died and it will be odd being there again, bumping into the same people, having to explain where Oscar is and so on.

As to work, I can't really offer any advice, but I really hope you can cope OK and that coming home to Tilly at the end of the day will be a comfort.

Katy x